MONTY PYTHON'S MODRZEW - Another Monty Python Record: Be A Great Actor (Kit)

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     MONTY  PYTHONA

Another Monty Python Record - 1971

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Be A Great Actor (Kit)
BE A GREAT ACTOR
(Kit)

Your
Be A Great Actor
Kit
This is your "Be A Great Actor Kit".
It contains:

(I) An action-packed script.
(II) A diagram of suggested foot-movements to suit any home.
(III) A full selection of props and make-up on our cut-out sheet.
(IV) Full preliminary instructions for dramatic behaviour.

Yes! Now you too can  bring the glitter and glamour of Shaftesbury  Avenue  to  your
lounge. Follow  these  simple  instructions  and  impress your  friends  at   parties and
Masonics; or  try  it  with  your wife, and  see  her  watch  entranced as you become
Richard Attenborough  and  Ian McKellen rolled   into one - in the privacy of your own
bathroom.

Look after this kit. It could be your passport to theatrical fame.
Remember - even Rod Steiger started somewhere!

Play 1
A Taste Of Evil
by a very good bearded playwright.
Dramatis personae:
Montague de Vere - A zany Marxist Tycoon
Sergeant Spencer, Superintendent Donaldson - Police Officers
Cyril Prepuce - A gardener and a humanist
George - Anthea's brother
Anthea - George's sister
Wong-Fu-Sun - A German Sinophile
Kel Nagle - A Golfer
Colin Caldwell - A lapsed Hindu
"Monkeyglands" Johnson - ATV Quizmaster
Dolores E. Mozart - A Winch Operator
"Tiny Mike" O'McGear, Abdul Karim, Mrs. Thatcher, Arnold Weinstock - Not in this Play
Miss World 1968
Don Partridge
Paul and Barry Spinoza

Act I
Scene One
A Police Station in Repton, SERGEANT SPENCER is at his Desk; SUPER-INTENDENT DONALDSON enters left.
SPENCER: Morning, super.
DONALDSON: Morning, wonderful.
SPENCER: Nasty business up at the Towers, sir.
DONALDSON: Oh yes, what's happened?
SPENCER: Montague's shot himself.
DONALDSON: Dead?
SPENCER: 'Fraid so sir, blood everywhere...
DONALDSON: Alright Spencer, get onto the Yard while I get round to the Towers...He turns to go.
SPENCER: Are you going past a sweetshop on the way, sir?
DONALDSON: Yes, I think so...I'm going the pretty way, up through Tinkerbell Wood.
SPENCER: Get us some jelly babies sir.
DONALDSON: O.K.
He exits.
Scene Two
The Morning Room at the Towers. MONTAGUE lies in a pool of blood behind a heavy curtain which completely conceals his body. ANTHEA and GEORGE are pacing the room.
ANTHEA: Don't torture yourself George.
GEORGE: (slamming the door on his fingers) I'm sorry, my dear.
ANTHEA: Ever since we arrived at the Towers, I've had this terrible feeling of...
GEORGE: (putting his head in the piano and dropping the lid on it) ... Of what, my dear.
ANTHEA: I don't know it's as though...as though...
The door to the garden opens. Cyril enters holding a smoking gun, a blood stained assegai, a tangled length of nylon stocking, a gas oven, an empty bottle of poison, a book of famous murders, and an acid bath.
CYRIL: I've just been re-laying the crocquet lawn
(To be continued)

Play 2
All Quiet On The Western Front
Adapted by Jeff Astle and Jean Genet.
From an idea by Allan Clarke.

Dramatis personae:
Charles De Vere Flyffe - A young subaltern
Belinda Fforbes-Ttrenchh - A young public-school girl
Ratzo Rizzo - A character in Midnight Cowboy
Dougie Trimble, Father Olaf O'Hara S.J., Mireille Biggs - T.V Qiuzmasters
Harry "Four Eyes" Da Vinci
Milos Gorman
"Sapper" McGough - A young sapper.

Act I
Scene One
BELINDA: Oh Charles! Charles! Charles!
YOU: (joyfully) Belinda!
BELINDA: Oh Charles!
YOU: (happily, yet with a hint of anxiety) Belinda!
BELINDA: I never thought I'd see you again.
YOU: (cryptically, with the merest trace of forced insouciance) I'm on leave.
BELINDA: Oh that's wonderful news...but why? Are you-
YOU: (abruptly, almost defiantly, with an unaccustomed annoyance) yes.
BELINDA: Where?
YOU: (deliberately and without bitterness) In the toe.
BELINDA: Oh no!
YOU: (enquiringly, yet with a hint of profound emotion detectable through the mask of innocence) Belinda?
BELINDA: Yes Charles?
YOU: (a strange diffidence mingling with tenderness) I love you.
BELINDA: I love you too.
YOU: (cautiously, affecting a delicately studied nonchalance) But -
BELINDA: But What?
YOU: (tersely, yet softly, with a hint of weariness in a voice from which time has erased the hard edges of anger) It's been shot off.
BELINDA: Shot off?
YOU: (momentarily pausing only to achieve a deliberate flatness as if in silent reproach of her incredulity) Shot off.
BELINDA: Completely?
YOU: (helplessly, yet proudly, a tell-tale suggestion of remorse severing the thin thread of hope that has until this moment survived despite itself) I'm afraid so.
BELINDA: Oh Charles.
YOU: (beseechingly, longingly, with only a slight querulousness in the voice betraying a hint of the anxiety and self-doubt which he has inevitably suffered) Belinda!
BELINDA: Charles!
YOU: (wistfully and imploringly, with overtones of melancholy and quizzical introspection clouding the once-eager freshness of his passionate emotions) Belinda!
BELINDA: Charles!
YOU: (half-crying, half-laughing, with a violent passivity, redolent of the self-mockery of a primeval anguish, expressing in a word, all the extremes of human emotion, all the levels of attainment to which the mind can aspire in the eternal quest for the elusive goal of self-perfection) Belinda!
CURTAIN: (a sheet or travelling rug will do).

Design: Ireneusz Siwek