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BOOKSHOP
CUSTOMER Terry Jones
PROPRIETOR John Cleese
(sound of small tinkle bell ringing as door opens)
CUSTOMER
Good morning.
PROPRIETOR
Good morning, sir. Can I help you?
CUSTOMER
Er, yes. Do you have a copy of "Thirty Days in the Samarkind Desert with the Duchess of Kent" by A. E. J. Eliott, O.B.E.?
PROPRIETOR
Ah, well, I don't know the book, sir...
CUSTOMER
Er, never mind, never mind. How about "101 Ways to Start a Fight"?
PROPRIETOR
By...?
CUSTOMER
An Irish gentleman whose name eludes me for the moment.
PROPRIETOR
Ah, no, well we haven't got it in stock, sir...
CUSTOMER
Oh, well, not to worry, not to worry. Can you help me with "David Coperfield?"
PROPRIETOR
Ah, yes, Dickens.
CUSTOMER
No...
PROPRIETOR
(pause)
I beg your pardon?
CUSTOMER
No, Edmund Wells.
PROPRIETOR
I... think you'll find Charles Dickens wrote "David Copperfield", sir...
CUSTOMER
No, no, Dickens wrote "David Copperfield" with two Ps. This is "David
Coperfield" with one P by Edmund Wells.
PROPRIETOR
"David Coperfield" with one P?
CUSTOMER
Yes, I should have said.
PROPRIETOR
Yes, well in that case we don't have it.
CUSTOMER
Funny, you've got a lot of books here...
PROPRIETOR
Yes, we do, but we don't have "David Coperfield"
with one P by Edmund Wells.
CUSTOMER
Pity, it's more thorough than the Dickens.
PROPRIETOR
More THOROUGH?
CUSTOMER
Yes...I wonder if it might be worth a look through all your "David Copperfields"...
PROPRIETOR
No, sir, all our "David Copperfields" have two P's.
CUSTOMER
Are you quite sure?
PROPRIETOR
Quite.
CUSTOMER
Not worth just looking?
PROPRIETOR
Definitely not.
CUSTOMER
Oh... how 'bout "Grate Expectations?"
PROPRIETOR
Yes, well we have that...
CUSTOMER
That's "G-R-A-T-E Expectations," also by Edmund Wells.
PROPRIETOR
Yes, well in that case we don't have it. We don't have anything
by Edmund Wells, actually... he's not very popular.
CUSTOMER
Not "Knickerless Knickleby"? That's K-N-I-C-K-E-R-L-E-S-S.
PROPRIETOR
No.
CUSTOMER
"Khristmas Karol" with a K?
PROPRIETOR
No...
CUSTOMER
Er, how about "A Sale of Two Titties"?
PROPRIETOR
Definitely NOT.
CUSTOMER
(leaving)
Sorry to trouble you...
PROPRIETOR
Not at all...
CUSTOMER
Good morning.
PROPRIETOR
Good morning.
CUSTOMER
Oh!
PROPRIETOR
(deep breath)
Yes?
CUSTOMER
I wonder if you might have a copy of "Rarnaby Budge"?
PROPRIETOR
No, as I say, we're right out of Edmund Wells!
CUSTOMER
No, not Edmund Wells - Charles Dikkens.
PROPRIETOR
Charles Dickens?
CUSTOMER
Yes.
PROPRIETOR
You mean "Barnaby Rudge"!
CUSTOMER
No, "Rarnaby Budge" by Charles Dikkens. That's "Dikkens" with two Ks, the well-known Dutch author.
PROPRIETOR
No, well we don't have "Rarnaby Budge" by Charles Dikkens with two Ks, the well-known Dutch author, and perhaps to save time I should add that we don't have "Karnaby Fudge" by Darles Chickens, or "Farmer of Sludge" by Marles Pickens, or even "Stickwick Stapers" by Farles Wickens with four M's and a silent Q! Why don't you try W. H.
Smith's?
CUSTOMER
I did; they sent me here.
PROPRIETOR
DID they.
CUSTOMER
Oh, I wonder...
PROPRIETOR
Oh, do go on, please!
CUSTOMER
I...I wonder if you might have "The Amazing Adventures of Captain Gladys Stoat-Pamphlet and her Intrepid Spaniel Stig Amongst the Giant Pygmies of Beckles"...Volume Eight.
PROPRIETOR
No, we don't have that... funny, we've got a
lot of books here... well, I musn't keep you standing here... thank you...
CUSTOMER
Oh, well d-do you have...
PROPRIETOR
No, we haven't. No, we haven't.
CUSTOMER
B-b-b-but...
PROPRIETOR
Sorry, no, it's one o'clock now, we're closing for lunch.
CUSTOMER
Ah, I... I saw it...
PROPRIETOR
I'm sorry...
CUSTOMER
I saw it over there! I saw it...
PROPRIETOR
What? What? WHAT?!?
CUSTOMER
I saw it over there: "Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds."
PROPRIETOR
"Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds?"
CUSTOMER
Yes...
PROPRIETOR
O-L-S-E-N?
CUSTOMER
Yes...
PROPRIETOR
B-I-R-D-S?
CUSTOMER
Yes...
PROPRIETOR
Yes, well, we do have that, as a matter of fact...
CUSTOMER
The expurgated version...
PROPRIETOR
I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
CUSTOMER
The expurgated version.
PROPRIETOR
(exploding)
The EXPURGATED version of "Olsen's Standard Book of British Birds?"
CUSTOMER
The one without the gannet.
PROPRIETOR
The one without the gannet! They've ALL got the gannet! It's a Standard British Bird, the gannet, it's in ALL the books!
CUSTOMER
Well, I don't like them... th-they wet their nests.
PROPRIETOR
All right, I'll REMOVE it!
(sounds of paper ripping)
Any other birds you don't like ?!
CUSTOMER
I don't like the robin ...
PROPRIETOR
The robin! Right! The robin!
(sound of paper ripping)
There you are, any others you don't like, any others?
CUSTOMER
The nuthatch...
PROPRIETOR
RIGHT! The nuthatch, the nuthatch, the nuthatch, here we are!
(ripping)
There you are! NO gannets, NO robins,
NO nuthatches, THERE's your book!
CUSTOMER
(indignant)
I can't buy that, it's torn!
PROPRIETOR
(incoherent growling)
CUSTOMER
Ah, I wonder if you have...
PROPRIETOR
GO ON, ask me ANYTHING ! We got lots of books here, you know, it's a bookshop!
CUSTOMER
Er, how 'bout "Biggles Combs his Hair?"
PROPRIETOR
No, no, we don't have that one, funny!
CUSTOMER
"The Gospel According to Charley Drake"?
PROPRIETOR
No, no, no, try me again!
CUSTOMER
Ah...oh, I know! "Ethel the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying".
PROPRIETOR
No, no, no, no, no ... What? WHAT?
CUSTOMER
"Ethel the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying".
PROPRIETOR
"Ethel the Aa..." YES! YES! WE'VE GOT IT! I... I've seen it somewhere! I know it!
(laughs like a madman)
HAHAHAHA! RRMRAMAGAGAA --- WAIT! WAIT! Is it? Is it?
(triumphant)
YES! Here we are, "Ethel the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying!" There's your book ... NOW, BUY IT.
CUSTOMER
(quickly)
I don't have enough money.
PROPRIETOR
(desperate)
I'll take a deposit!
CUSTOMER
I don't have ANY money!
PROPRIETOR
I'll take a check!
CUSTOMER
I don't have a checkbook!
PROPRIETOR
I've got a blank one!
CUSTOMER
I don't have a bank account!
PROPRIETOR
RIGHT! I'll buy it FOR you!
(cash register sounds)
There we are,
there's your change, there's some money for a taxi on the way home, there's your book, now, now ...
CUSTOMER
Wait, wait, wait!
PROPRIETOR
What? What?! WHAT?! WHAT?!
CUSTOMER
I can't read!
(staggeringly long pause)
PROPRIETOR
(very quietly) You can't... read.
(pause)
RIGHT! Sit down! Sit down! Sit! Sit! Are you sitting
comfortably... right!
(opens book)
"Ethel the Aardvark was hopping
down the river valley one lovely morning, trottety-trottety-trottety, when she met a nice little quantity surveyor..."
(fade out)
Designe: Ireneusz Siwek
    
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© 2007 Ireneusz Siwek