MONTY PYTHON'S MODRZEW - Happy Valley

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     AND NOW...
     MONTY PYTHON'S
     FLIEGENDER ZIRKUS

Monty Python's Fliegender Zirkus - 1972

Happy Valley

STORYTELLER John Cleese
PROSECUTION Michael Palin
SCHLITZ Terry Gilliam
DEFENCE Eric Idle
JUDGE Graham Chapman
OTTO Terry Jones
SYLLABUB Graham Chapman
MITZI Connie Booth
EBERHARD John Cleese
VILLAGER Terry Jones
WALTER Michael Palin
CHARMING Eric Idle
PRIEST John Cleese
WITCH ?
CHANCELLOR ?
FOREMAN ?
ERASMUS ?

STORYTELLER
Once upon a time, long, long ago, there lay in a valley far, far away in the mountains the most contented kingdom the world has ever known. It was called Happy Valley, and it was ruled over by a wise old king called Otto. And all his subjects flourished and were happy, and there were no discontents or grumblers, because wise King Otto had had them all put to death, along with the trade union leaders, many years before. And all the happy folk of Happy Valley sang and danced all day long, and anyone who was for any reason miserable or unhappy or who had any difficult personal problem was prosecuted under the Happiness Act.

PROSECUTION
Caspar Schlitz, I put it to you that you were, on February 5th this year, very depressed with malice aforethought, and did moan quietly, contrary to the Cheerful Noises Act.

SCHLITZ
I did.

DEFENCE
May I just explain, m'lud, that the reason for my client's behaviour was that his wife had just died that morning.

(All except the accused laugh uproariously)

JUDGE
Members of the jury, have you reached your verdict?

FOREMAN
Guilty.

(All laugh again)

JUDGE
(donning red nose)

I hereby sentence you to be hanged by the neck until you cheer up.

(All laugh)

STORYTELLER
And while the good folk of Happy Valley tenaciously frolicked away, their wise old king, who was a merry old thing, played strange songs on his Hammond organ all day long, up in his castle where he lived with his gracious Queen Syllabub, and their lovely daughter Princess Mitzi Gaynor, who had fabulous tits and an enchanting smile and a fine wit, and wooden teeth which she'd bought in a chemist's in Augsburg, despite the fire risk. She treasured these teeth, which were made of the finest pine and she varnished them after every meal. And next to her teeth, her dearest love was her pet rabbit Herman. She would take Herman for long walks, and pet and fuss over him all day. And she would visit the royal kitchens and steal him tasty tit-bits which he never ate, because, sadly, he was dead, and no one had the heart to tell her because she was so sweet and innocent and new nothing of death or gastro-enteritis, or even plastic hip joints. One day when she was romping with Herman, she suddenly set eyes on the most beautiful young man she had ever seen, and fell deeply in love with him, naturally assuming him to be a prince. Well, fortunately he was a prince, so she found him in the book, which her mother made her always carry,

(she opens a bird-spotting book at a page headed "EBERHARD, PRINZ" opposite a photo of him)

and learned his name, and went and introduced herself, and the subject of marriage. And he fell deeply in love with her, and in what seemed like the twinkling of an eye, but was in fact a fortnight, they were in her father's lounge, asking his permission to marry.

(Otto sits at his organ howling a strange song. He finishes and Mitzi and the prince applaud politely. He starts another)

CAPTION:
Später am selben Nachmittag

MITZI
Daddy.

OTTO
Yes, daughter.

MITZI
We have something to ask you.

OTTO
A request!

EBERHARD
Sir, may I have your daughter's hand in marriage?

OTTO
Well, I don't know it, but if you hum it I'll soon pick it up.

EBERHARD
No sir, I really do wish to marry your daughter, sir.

OTTO
Oh. Are you a prince?

EBERHARD
Yes, sir.

OTTO
Is he in the book?

MITZI
Yes, Daddy.

OTTO
Do you really love my daughter?

EBERHARD
I do.

OTTO
Well in that case, I must set you a task to prove you worthy of her hand in marriage.

EBERHARD
(standing)

I accept.

OTTO
You must climb to the highest part of the castle, first thing tomorrow morning, armed only with your sword, and jump out of the window.

(A crowd waits expectantly in the street below the castle)

VILLAGER
Hey look, there he is!

(The crowd look up, clapping and cheering. Eberhard, up on the castle tower, waves, wets his finger to test the wind, then plummets to his death. The crowd laugh and cheer)

MITZI
Can we get married now, Daddy?

OTTO
No, I'm afraid not, daughter, he wasn't worthy of you.

MITZI
Oh Daddy! Will he have to go into the ground like all the others?

(Cut to a cemetary where a coffin is being cheerfully lowered into a grave)

MITZI
Come on, Herman.

(She walks away, dragging Herman)

STORYTELLER
And so Mitzi and Herman went down to the river bank to see if they could find another prince. Everyone was fishing that day, the carpenter and the candlemaker and the blacksmith and the window-dresser and his friend, and the hangman and all his apprentices, and the secret policeman, and the narcotics salesman and his aunty, but not a prince for miles. Until... Mitzi's eyes suddenly spotted the slightest flash of gold underneath a weeping willow tree and there, sure enough, was a prince. He was rather thin and spotty with a long nose and bandy legs and nasty unpolished plywood teeth but, thought Mitzi, a prince is a prince, and she fell in love with him without another thought.

(She leaps on top of him and engages him passionately)

STORYTELLER
And after a time, or a few times anyway, he too fell in love with her. And very soon they were on their way to ask King Otto's permission to wed, as this prince didn't read the newspapers any more than the others did,

(they walk past a news stand on which is written "Die Happy Valley ??? Ein ??? Prinz ??? ??? ???" - sorry, it's too small and unclear on my recording)

decadent, dim-witted, parasitic little bastards that they were.

(They come across Queen Syllabub romping with a black man)

SYLLABUB
(getting up hurriedly)

What! Oh! Ha ha ha! Oh, hello, darling.

MITZI
This is my mother the Queen, and, er, this is, er, ...

SYLLABUB
This is my new algebra teacher, Dr Erasmus.

ERASMUS
Hello there.

SYLLABUB
Don't stare, darling. And who is this?

MITZI
Oh, this is Prince Walter.

SYLLABUB
Oh.

MITZI
We were just going down to Daddy for permission to get married.

SYLLABUB
Ah, well I want to talk to him about like that. I'll see you about the binomial theorem in the wood shed at eight o'clock, Dr Erasmus.

ERASMUS
I'll bring the baby oil, Queen.

SYLLABUB
Yes. Ahem.

MITZI
Does Daddy like Dr Erasmus?

SYLLABUB
I wouldn't mention him, darling. He's a bit funny about darker people.

MITZI
I know nothing of racial prejudice.

SYLLABUB
Good. Well I'll talk to him first.

(Syllabub enters the lounge where Otto is at his organ, howling one of his songs)

SYLLABUB
Stop that and listen to me! Now!

(She pulls the plug out)

OTTO
Plug my organ in.

SYLLABUB
Ha, that's a joke. Now, listen to me.

OTTO
What! What is it?

SYLLABUB
I've got something important to tell you. Mitzi's coming in a moment with another prince.

OTTO
Yeugh.

(He begins howling one of his songs)

SYLLABUB
Look, will you stop that again!

OTTO
Huh, princes!

SYLLABUB
Well there soon won't be any left, thanks to you. Now just you make sure you make that task nice and easy, otherwise I'll smash your organ.

OTTO
Can I play at the wedding?

SYLLABUB
Yes.

OTTO
All right, all right. I could play that one about "Yum de boo ptang..."

SYLLABUB
The king agrees to see you now.

MITZI
Hallo Daddy!

OTTO
Come in, child.

MITZI
This is Prince Walter.

OTTO
Eeeugh! Is he in the book?

MITZI
Yes.

OTTO
Oh, hello Walter.

WALTER
Prince Walter.

OTTO
(sarcastically)

Oh, so sorry! So you want to marry my daughter, do you?

WALTER
Perhaps.

MITZI
Oh, say you do, and wing me such joy as I have never tasted before.

WALTER
Yeah, all right.

OTTO
All right. First I must set you a task, so you may prove yourself worthy of my daughter's hand in marriage.

WALTER
Why?

OTTO
Because she's a f (bleep) ing princess, that's why! You must go tomorrow morning to the highest part of the castle...

(Syllabub hits him)

You must go, um... (Syllabub threatens him again) er, go down to the shops and get me twenty Rothmans.

WALTER
What, now?

OTTO
Tomorrow morning.

STORYTELLER
And so, early next morning, all the happy villagers were gathered to watch Prince Walter set off on his quest.

(From a dais outside the castle, on which King, Queen and Princess sit, Prince Walter walks, holding a banknote, past the villagers down the street to the tobacconist. He emerges holding a packet of cigarettes aloft triumphantly to cheers from the crowd. He walks back up the street to the dais, on which Mitzi is jumping up and down excitedly)

WALTER
Here are your fags.

(He tosses them to Otto)

OTTO
(grudgingly)

Thank you, Walter.

WALTER
Prince Walter!

SYLLABUB
Well done, Prince Walter.

OTTO
(standing)

Loyal subjects, faithful followers, this is indeed a proud moment for the Queen and myself. For this is the moment when Princess Mitzi marries Prince Walter. But first, a little number I've written, entitled "Ya Te Buckety Rum Ting Too".

(Everyone sings "Ya Te Buckety Rum Ting Too" accompanied by Otto. But then Prince Charming draws up on a horse)

CHARMING
Halt, halt! Halt, I prithee, gentle king.

SYLLABUB
Who are you? What do you want?

(to Otto)

Belt up!

CHARMING
I am Prince Charming, from the Kingdom of the Golden Lakes, good Sir King. Page four in the book. And I crave the hand of your most beautiful daughter, Princess Mitzi.

WALTER
You're too late.

CHARMING
What?

WALTER
I've got her, Charming, now buzz off.

SYLLABUB
Now, wait a minute, Mitzi is not betrothed yet.

WALTER
What? He said, if I went and got him twenty Rothmans I could have her.

CHARMING
Got you twenty Rothmans?

WALTER
I had to go down the town.

CHARMING
For Princess Mitzi?

OTTO
Yes.

CHARMING
For this priceless treasure? For this most perfect of all God's creatures?

MITZI
(to Syllabub)

I think I'm falling in love again.

CHARMING
For this finest and most delicate flower in the whole of this geographical area, I will face in mortal combat that most dreaded of all creatures.

MITZI, SYLLABUB and OTTO
A dragon?!

CHARMING
And I shall slay it, single-handed, to prove myself worthy of your enchanting daughter, O King.

OTTO
I accept.

WALTER
What?

OTTO
I accept. Tomorrow morning, then.

WALTER
Where's he going to get a dragon from?

CHARMING
I provide my own.

(The rear of a horse box opens. A dragon, all of 18 inches long, emerges. Prince Charming fights it matador-style, then draws a pistol and shoots it. The crowd cheer)

OTTO
Loyal subjects, by virtue of Prince Charming's noble deed, I now consent to give him Princess Mitzi's hand in marriage. But first, the B side of my latest single.

WALTER
I'll be revenged on the lot of you!

(OTTO plays and everybody starts singing "Ya Te Buckety...")

STORYTELLER
Nobody in Happy Valley worried about Prince Walter's threats, and the joyous day soon arrived for the royal wedding.

(Interior of cathedral. Otto is up in the organ loft. Everyone sings "Ya Te Buckety, Rum Ting Too, Ni Ni Ni, Yaooo.")

PRIEST
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join together this man, Prince Charming, and this woman, Princess Mitzi Gaynor, in holy matrimony. If there be anyone who knoweth just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined together...

(There is a loud boom. A witch enters, followed by Prince Walter)

WITCH
Yes, 'tis I, the wicked witch, Ya ha ha!

PRIEST
Witch, you commit sacrilege here by your very presence. I command you in the name of the Good Book, to leave this holy place forthwith.

WITCH
Shut up!

PRIEST
Sorry, sorry.

WITCH
Now, where's the King? Where's the King? Where's the King?

(The congregation point upwards)

OTTO
Oh, me. I'm terribly sorry, I was miles away.

WITCH
I forbid this marriage to take place.

CHANCELLOR
You forbid it?

WITCH
Who are you?

CHANCELLOR
I am the Lord Chancellor, you old hag! How dare you speak thus to our...

(The witch casts spells, turning him successively into a lampshade, then a dog, a soda syphon, a rabbit, and back into himself)

Aah!

WITCH
Now, watch it! Now, Mitzi marry Prince Walter, or I curse the lot of you, and your aunties.

OTTO
Mitzi marries Prince Charming.

WITCH
I'm warning you!

OTTO
Carry on with the ceremony.

PRIEST
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...

WITCH
Very well. I hereby change every single person in this cathedral into chickens!

(then as a shocked afterthought)

Except me!

(Everyone is turned into chickens)

WITCH
(chicken wearing witch's hat)

Oh, bugger.

Fortsetzung...