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     MONTY PYTHON'S
     FLIEGENDER ZIRKUS

Monty Python's Fliegender Zirkus - 1972

Hearing Aid

COMPLAINANT Terry Jones
WARING Michael Palin
CUSTOMER Eric Idle
ROGERS John Cleese

(A customer enters an optician/hearing aid shop)

CUSTOMER
Good evening. I'm interested in buying a hearing aid.

ROGERS
I'm sorry?

CUSTOMER
I'm interested in buying a hearing aid.

ROGERS
I didn't quite catch it.

CUSTOMER
I want to buy a hearing aid.

ROGERS
Ah, um, er, hang on just one moment sir, I'll just switch the radio off.

(He switches it on; music blares forth)

Right, now what was it again?

CUSTOMER
What?

ROGERS
What was it again?

CUSTOMER
I can't hear.

ROGERS
What?

CUSTOMER
The radio's too loud.

ROGERS
Yes, very nice, isn't it.

(The customer turns off the radio)

CUSTOMER
I'm sorry, I couldn't hear, the radio was too loud.

ROGERS
Ah. Pardon? I'm sorry, I don't think my hearing aid's working properly. I've only had it a couple of days. Hang on.

(He takes it from his pocket and adjusts it)

Yes, there we are, it's working now.

CUSTOMER
Is it good?

ROGERS
About fourteen pounds.

CUSTOMER
Yes, but is it good?

ROGERS
No, no, it fits in the pocket here.

CUSTOMER
Can you hear me?

ROGERS
What?

CUSTOMER
(louder)

Can you hear me?

ROGERS
Oh! Contact lenses!

CUSTOMER
What?

ROGERS
You want contact lenses.

CUSTOMER
No.

ROGERS
Oh, well I'll get Dr Waring then, he does contact lenses. I only do the hearing aids.

(Waring emerges through a curtain from a back room and bumps into a display case)

WARING
(to Rogers)

Ah, good morning sir, you want some contact lenses do you?

ROGERS
What?

WARING
You want some contact lenses, do you?

ROGERS
Er, I can't hear what you're saying, Dr Waring.

WARING
I think you need a hearing aid, not contact lenses.

CUSTOMER
No, I want the hearing aid.

WARING
Who said that? Is there someone else in here?

ROGERS
What?

WARING
I think there's someone else in here.

CUSTOMER
Yes. it's me.

(He waves his hand)

Here.

WARING
Ah! You wanted the contact lenses did you?

CUSTOMER
No, I want a hearing aid.

WARING
Ah, Mr Rogers will see to you about that.

(calling)

Someone to see you, Mr Rogers. He'll be down in a minute.

(to Rogers)

Now, you wanted the contact lenses, did you, sir? Would you come this way, please.

ROGERS
Er, What?

WARING
This way, please.

ROGERS
Er, I don't understand, Dr Waring.

WARING
Just in here.

(Waring guides him through into the back room. After a pause they both emerge)

WARING
Why didn't you say you were Rogers? You know my lenses play me up sometimes.

ROGERS
What?

WARING
(to empty space)

Ah, I do apologise most sincerely for the inconvenience, sir. Now, you wanted the contact lenses, did you?

CUSTOMER
No, I wanted a hearing aid.

WARING
Mr Rogers will deal with you, sir. I'm dealing with this gentleman here.

(to empty space)
Now would you like to come this way, sir, we'll try the contact lenses. Come on sir.

(He guides an invisible customer into the back room)

CUSTOMER
Now, Dr Rogers, I want a hearing aid.

ROGERS
Pardon? I'm sorry, look, I'm worried about Dr Waring. I think he thinks he's with someone.

WARING
(from back room)

Hallo! Hallo!

CUSTOMER
Well, had you better go and tell him?

ROGERS
No, no, I'd better go and tell him.

(He goes to the back room)

Er, Dr Waring!

WARING
Ah, there you are. I thought I'd lost you.

ROGERS
Er, no, no. Dr Waring, you're not with anybody.

WARING
Well, who's that talking to me then. Don't be silly, sit down.

ROGERS
What?

(Waring takes him into the back room. After a moment they emerge)

WARING
Why didn't you say you were Rogers?

ROGERS
(looking at his watch)

About quarter to six.

WARING
Ah, sorry.

(to empty space)

Now then you wanted the contact lenses, did you sir?

CUSTOMER
No, I wanted a hearing aid!

WARING
Ah.

(He turns through three quarters of a circle towards the customer)

So you must be the gentleman who wanted the contact lenses?

CUSTOMER
No, I want a hearing aid.

WARING
Ah, er, Mr Rogers! Two gentlemen here would like hearing aids!

ROGERS
What? I can't hear you, Dr Waring, I think it must be my hearing aid. Hang on a moment.

(He adjusts it)

Aaaah! Too loud, it hurts!

(He hits the side of his head repeatedly)

Ah, that's better. Wait a moment, I've knocked my contacts out.

(He begins searching on the floor. An angry man storms in and addresses a display stand next to the customer)

COMPLAINANT
I've come to complain about my contact lenses!

ROGERS
What?

COMPLAINANT
I've come to complain about my contact lenses! They're terrible. They've ruined my eyesight.

WARING
But I haven't given you any.

COMPLAINANT
You're a liar!

ROGERS
What?

COMPLAINANT
You swindler! You money-grabbing quack, sir!

WARING
Don't talk to me like that!

COMPLAINANT
I'll talk to you any way I...

(He knocks the display stand)

Oh, fisticuffs! Right! Oh!

(He punches the display stand and throws it to the floor. Waring attacks a seat amid much shouting. The complainant is meanwhile wrestling the display stand out of the door)

WARING
Oh! To big for you eh? Ah! Break up my shop, would you?

(He steps back, trips over Rogers and grabs him)

I've got him!

ROGERS
Help! Help! I'm being attacked! Help me, Dr Waring, I'm being attacked.

(They grapple with each other)

WARING
It's all right, Rogers, I've got him.

ROGERS
Quick, I've got him! Grab his arms.

WARING
I can't, he's got me round the waist. Never mind, get him to the door, we'll throw him out.

ROGERS
I'm going to throw him out!

WARING
Attack Mr Rogers, would you? Well, we're more than a match for you.

ROGERS
Help, he's got me by the throat!

WARING
Go ahead, I've got him by the throat.

ROGERS
We're by the door.

WARING
Let's throw him out. One!

ROGERS and WARING
Two! Three!

(They throw each other out of the door)

CUSTOMER
(to camera)

You should see them when they've had a couple of drinks.

(He takes out a cigar and brandishes it in Groucho Marx fashion)

Goodnight, folks. Just a fairy tale.

Fortsetzung...