MONTY PYTHON'S MODRZEW - International Philosophy

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     MONTY PYTHON'S
     FLIEGENDER ZIRKUS

Monty Python's Fliegender Zirkus - 1972

International Philosophy - Update

ANCHORMAN John Cleese
FOOTBALL COMMENTATOR Michael Palin
ARCHIMEDES John Cleese

ANCHORMAN
Well right now we're going back to the Olympic stadium for the closing minutes of the Philosophy Final, and I understand that there's still no score.

(On the pitch, a German is remonstrating with the referee)

FOOTBALL COMMENTATOR
Well there may be no score, but there's certainly no lack of excitement here. As you can see, Nietzsche has just been booked for arguing with the referee. He accused Confucius of having no free will, and Confucius he say, "Name go in book". And this is Nietzsche's third booking in four games.

(We see a bearded figure in a track-suit is warming up on the touch-line)

And who's that? It's Karl Marx, Karl Marx is warming up. It looks as though there's going to be a substitution in the German side.

(Marx removes the track-suit, under which he is wearing a suit)

Obviously the manager Martin Luther has decided on all-out attack, as indeed he must with only two minutes of the match to go. And the big question is, who is he going to replace, who's going to come off. It could be Jaspers, Hegel or Schopenhauer, but it's Wittgenstein! Wittgenstein, who saw his aunty only last week, and here's Marx.

(Marx begins some energetic knees-up running about)

Let's see it he can put some life into this German attack.

(The referee blows his whistle; Marx stops and begins contemplating like the rest)

Evidently not. What a shame. Well now, with just over a minute left, a replay on Tuesday looks absolutely vital. There's Archimedes, and I think he's had an idea.

ARCHIMEDES
Eureka!

(He runs towards the ball and kicks it)

FOOTBALL COMMENTATOR
Archimedes out to Socrates, Socrates back to Archimedes, Archimedes out to Heraclitus, he beats Hegel .

(who, like all the Germans, is still thinking)

Heraclitus a little flick, here he comes on the far post, Socrates is there, Socrates heads it in! Socrates has scored! The Greeks are going mad, the Greeks are going mad. Socrates scores, got a beautiful cross from Archimedes. The Germans are disputing it. Hegel is arguing that the reality is merely an a priori adjunct of non-naturalistic ethics, Kant via the categorical imperative is holding that ontologically it exists only in the imagination, and Marx is claiming it was offside. But Confucius has answered them with the final whistle! It's all over! Germany, having trounced England's famous midfield trio of Bentham, Locke and Hobbes in the semi-final, have been beaten by the odd goal, and let's see it again.

(Replay viewed from behind the goal)

There it is, Socrates, Socrates heads in and Leibnitz doesn't have a chance. And just look at those delighted Greeks.

(The Greeks jog delightedly, holding a cup aloft)

There they are, "Chopper" Sophocles, Empedocles of Acragus, what a game he had. And Epicurus is there, and Socrates the captain who scored what was probably the most important goal of his career.

Fortsetzung...