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THE ARCHITECT
MR TID Graham Chapman
MR WIGGIN John Cleese
FIRST CITY GENT Michael Palin
SECOND CITY GENT Terry Jones
XIMINEZ Michael Palin
BIGGLES Terry Jones
FANG Terry Gilliam
MR TID
Gentlemen, we have two basic suggestions for the design of this architectural block, the residential block, and I thought it best that the architects themselves came in to explain the advantages of both designs.
(knocking)
That must be the first architect now. Ah, yes. It's Mr Wiggin of Ironside and Malone.
MR WIGGIN
Good morning, gentlemen. Uh, this is a twelve storey block combining classical neogeorgian features with all the advantages of modern design. Uh, the tenants arrive in the entrance hall here, are carried along the corridor on a conveyor belt in extreme comfort and past murals depicting Mediterranean scenes, towards the rotating knives. The last twenty feet of the corridor are heavily soundproofed. The blood pours down these chutes and the mangled flesh slurps into these large contai...
FIRST CITY GENT
Excuse me.
MR WIGGIN
Hmm?
FIRST CITY GENT
Uh, did you say - knives?
MR WIGGIN
Uh, rotating knives. Yes.
SECOND CITY GENT
Are you, uh, proposing to slaughter our tenants?
MR WIGGIN
Does that not fit in with your plans?
FIRST CITY GENT
No, it does not. Uh, we... we wanted a... simple... block of flats.
MR WIGGIN
Ah, I see. I hadn't, uh, correctly divined your attitude...
SECOND CITY GENT
Uh, huh huh.
MR WIGGIN
...towards your tenants.
SECOND CITY GENT
Huh huh.
MR WIGGIN
You see, I mainly design slaughter houses.
FIRST CITY GENT
Yes. Pity.
MR WIGGIN
Mind you, this is a real beaut. I mean, none of your blood caked on the walls and flesh flying out of the windows inconveniencing passers-by with this one. I mean, my life has been building up to this.
SECOND CITY GENT
Yes, and well done, huh, but we did want a block of flats.
MR WIGGIN
Well, may I ask you to reconsider? I mean, you wouldn't regret it. Think of the tourist trade.
FIRST CITY GENT
No, no, it's... it's just that we wanted a block of flats and not an abattoir.
MR WIGGIN
Yes, well, that's the sort of blinkered, philistine pig ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage. You sit there on your loathsome, spotty behinds squeezing blackheads, not caring a tinker's curse for the struggling artist. You excrement! You whining, hypocritical toadies, with your colour TV sets and your Tony Jacklin golf clubs and your bleeding masonic secret handshakes! You wouldn't let me join, would you, you blackballing bastards! Well, I wouldn't become a freemason now if you went down on your lousy, stinking knees and begged me!
SECOND CITY GENT
Well, we're sorry you feel like that, but we, um, did... want... a block of flats. Nice, though, the abattoir is.
MR WIGGIN
Oh, sod the abattoir. That's not important, but if one of you could put in a word for me, I'd love to be a freemason. Freemasonry opens doors. I mean, um, I... I was a bit on edge just now, but... but if I was a mason, I'd just sit at the back and not get in anyone's way.
FIRST CITY GENT
Thank you.
MR WIGGIN
I've got a second-hand apron.
SECOND CITY GENT
Thank you.
MR WIGGIN
I nearly got in at Hendon.
FIRST CITY GENT
Thank you.
SECOND CITY GENT
Ah... is there anyone else to see?
MR TID
Yes there's the Spanish Inquisition.
SECOND CITY GENT
Er... I didn't expect a Spanish Inquisition.
(explosion)
XIMINEZ
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. Our cheif weapon is suprise, that's all. Just suprise.
MR TID
What about fear?
XIMINEZ
Oh yes, yes, all right. Suprise and fear.
SECOND CITY GENT
And a fanatical...
XIMINEZ
Shut up!
SECOND CITY GENT
Sorry.
XIMINEZ
Right, you are accsued of heresy on three counts. Heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed and heresy by eff... four... four counts. Now you have one last chance confess the haynis sin of heresy, reject the works of the... two last chances and you shall be free... three last chances. You have three last chances. Unrightous creatures how do you plead? Ha ha ha ha....
(long pause)
Whear has everybody gone?
(pause)
Cardinal Fang, Cardinal Fang!
(sound of a door opening)
FANG
Sorry my lord I was just having a cup of tea with these architects.
XIMINEZ
Shut up!
FANG
They've gopt these lovely little chocolate cakes with silver balls.
XIMINEZ
Shut up!
FANG
And these goodies with these with these little...
(fades out to the sound of clinking cultery and mumur of voices)
continue
Design: Ireneusz Siwek
    
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© 2007 Ireneusz Siwek