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STAKE YOUR CLAIM
HOST John Cleese
VOLES Michael Palin
WYMISS Eric Idle
MITTELSCHMERZ Graham Chapman
HOST
Good evening and welcome to 'Stake Your Claim'. First this evening we have Mr Norman Voles of Gravesend who claims he wrote all Shakespeare's works. Mr Voles, I understand you claim that you wrote all those plays normally attributed to Shakespeare?
VOLES
That is correct. I wrote all his plays and my wife and I wrote his sonnets.
HOST
Mr Voles, these plays are known to have been performed in the early 17th century. How old are you, Mr Voles?
VOLES
Forty three.
HOST
Well, how is it possible for you to have written plays performed over three hundred years before you were born?
VOLES
Ah well. This is where my claim falls to the ground.
HOST
Ah!
VOLES
There's no possible way of answering that argument, I'm afraid. I was only hoping you would not make that particular point, but I can see you're more than a match for me!
HOST
Mr Voles, thank you very much for coming along.
VOLES
My pleasure.
HOST
Next we have Mr Bill Wymiss who claims to have built the Taj Mahal.
WYMISS
No.
HOST
I'm sorry?
WYMISS
No. No.
HOST
I thought you cla...
WYMISS
Well I did but I can see I won't last a minute with you.
HOST
Next...
WYMISS
I was right!
HOST
...we have Mrs Mittelschmerz of Dundee who cla... Mrs Mittelschmerz, what is your claim?
MITTELSCHMERZ
That I can burrow through an elephant.
HOST
(pause)
Now you've changed your claim, haven't you. You know we haven't got an elephant.
MITTELSCHMERZ
(insincerely)
Oh, haven't you? Oh dear!
HOST
You're not fooling anybody, Mrs Mittelschmerz. In your letter you quite clearly claimed that... er... you could be thrown off the top of Beachy Head into the English Channel and then be buried.
MITTELSCHMERZ
No, you can't read my writing.
HOST
It's typed.
MITTELSCHMERZ
It says 'elephant'.
HOST
Mrs Mittelschmerz, this is an entertainment show, and I'm not prepared to simply sit here bickering. Take her away, Heinz!
MITTELSCHMERZ
Here, no, leave me alone!
(sound of wind and sea).
Oooaaahh!
(splosh)
continue
Design: Ireneusz Siwek
    
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© 2007 Ireneusz Siwek