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STILL NO SIGN OF LAND (LIFEBOAT)
FIRST SAILOR Michael Palin
SECOND SAILOR Graham Chapman
THIRD SAILOR Eric Idle
FOURTH SAILOR Terry Jones
CAPTAIN John Cleese
(groans and coughs)
FIRST SAILOR
Still no sign of land. How long is it?
SECOND SAILOR
That's a rather personal question, sir.
FIRST SAILOR
You stupid git. I meant how long is it that we've been in the lifeboat? You've spoilt the atmosphere now.
SECOND SAILOR
I'm sorry.
FIRST SAILOR
Shut up. Start again...
Still no sign of land. How long is it?
SECOND SAILOR
Thirty-three days, sir.
FIRST SAILOR
Thirty-three days?
SECOND SAILOR
We can't go on much longer. I didn't think I spoilt the atmosphere.
FIRST SAILOR
Shut up.
SECOND SAILOR
I'm sorry, I don't think I did.
FIRST SAILOR
Of course you did.
SECOND SAILOR
Did you think I spoilt the atmosphere?
THIRD SAILOR
Well, I think you...
FIRST SAILOR
Shut up! Shut up!
Still no sign of land... how long is it?
SECOND SAILOR
Thirty-three days.
FOURTH SAILOR
Have we started again?
(slap)
FIRST SAILOR
Still no sign of land... how long is it?
SECOND SAILOR
Thirty-three days, sir.
FIRST SAILOR
Thirty-three days?
SECOND SAILOR
Yes. We can't go on much longer. We haven't had any food since the fifth day.
THIRD SAILOR
We're done for, we're done for!
FIRST SAILOR
Shut up, Maudling. We've just got to keep hoping. Someone may find us.
FOURTH SAILOR
How we feeling, captain?
CAPTAIN
Not too good. I... I feel so weak.
SECOND SAILOR
We can't hold out much longer.
CAPTAIN
Listen... chaps... there's still a chance. I'm...done for, I've got a gammy leg, I'm going fast, I'll never get through... but... some of you might... so you'd better eat me.
FIRST SAILOR
Eat you, sir?
CAPTAIN
Yes, eat me.
SECOND SAILOR
Uuuuggghhh! With a gammy leg?
CAPTAIN
You don't have to eat the leg, Thompson, there's still plenty of good meat... look at that arm.
THIRD SAILOR
It's not just the leg, sir.
CAPTAIN
What do you mean?
THIRD SAILOR
Well, sir... it's just that...
CAPTAIN
Why don't you want to eat me?
THIRD SAILOR
I'd rather eat Johnson, sir!
SECOND SAILOR
So would I, sir.
CAPTAIN
I see.
FOURTH SAILOR
Well, then that's settled then. Everyone eats me!
FIRST SAILOR
Well... I... er...
THIRD SAILOR
What, sir?
FIRST SAILOR
No, no, you go ahead, please. But I won't...
FOURTH SAILOR
Oh nonsense, sir, you're starving. Tuck in!
FIRST SAILOR
No, no, it's not just that...
SECOND SAILOR
What's the matter with Johnson, sir?
FIRST SAILOR
Well, he's not kosher.
THIRD SAILOR
That depends how we kill him, sir.
FIRST SAILOR
Yes, yes, I see that... Well to be quite frank I...I like my meat a little more lean. I'd rather eat Hodges.
SECOND SAILOR
Oh well... all right.
THIRD SAILOR
No, I still prefer Johnson.
CAPTAIN
I wish you'd all stop bickering and eat me.
SECOND SAILOR
Look. I tell you what. Why don't those of us who want to, eat Johnson, then you, sir, can eat my leg and then we'll make a stock of the captain and then after that we can eat the rest of Johnson cold for supper.
CREW
(cacophonous)
Hmm, yes, good idea, excellent thinking, very good, I don't suppose we could have Hodges in the morning, jolly good idea...
Be A Great Actor (Kit)
Design: Ireneusz Siwek
    
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© 2007 Ireneusz Siwek