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Arthur 'Two Sheds' Jackson
HOST Eric Idle
ARTHUR JACKSON Terry Jones
OTHER HOST John Cleese
HOST
Last week the Royal Festival Hall saw the first performance of a new symphony by one of the world's leading modern composers, Arthur 'Two sheds' Jackson. Mr Jackson.
ARTHUR JACKSON
Hello.
HOST
May I just sidetrack for one moment. This -- what shall I call it -- nickname of yours...
ARTHUR JACKSON
Ah yes.
HOST
"Two sheds". How did you come by it?
ARTHUR JACKSON
Well, I don't use it myself, but some of my friends call me "Two Sheds".
HOST
And do you in fact have two sheds?
ARTHUR JACKSON
No, I've only got one. I've had one for some time, but a few years ago I said I was thinking of getting another, and since then some people have called me "Two Sheds".
HOST
In spite of the fact that you only have one.
ARTHUR JACKSON
Yes.
HOST
And are you still intending to purchase this second shed?
ARTHUR JACKSON
(impatient)
No!
HOST
...To bring you in line with your epithet?
ARTHUR JACKSON
No.
HOST
I see, I see. Well to return to your symphony.
ARTHUR JACKSON
Ah yes.
HOST
Did you write this symphony in the shed?
ARTHUR JACKSON
(surprised)
No!
HOST
Have you written any of your recent works in this shed of yours?
ARTHUR JACKSON
No, no, not at all. It's just an ordinary garden shed.
HOST
I see, I see. And you're thinking of buying this second shed to write in!
ARTHUR JACKSON
No, no. Look. This shed business -- it doesn't really matter. The sheds aren't important. A few friends call me Two Sheds and that's all there is to it. I wish you'd ask me about the music. Everybody talks about the sheds. They've got it out of proportion -- I'm a composer. I'm going to get rid of the shed. I'm fed up with it!
HOST
Then you'll be Arthur 'No Sheds' Jackson, eh?
ARTHUR JACKSON
Look, forget about the sheds. They don't matter.
HOST
(sternly)
Mr. Jackson, I think, with respect, we ought to return to the subject of your symphony.
ARTHUR JACKSON
Huh!
HOST
I understand that you used to be interested in train-spotting.
ARTHUR JACKSON
What?
HOST
I understand that, about thirty years ago, you were interested in train-spotting.
ARTHUR JACKSON
Well what's that got to do with my bloody music?
OTHER HOST
(entering)
Are you having any trouble with him?
HOST
Yes, a little. Good Lord! You're the man who interviewed Sir Edward Ross earlier.
OTHER HOST
Exactly. Well we interviewers are more than a match for the likes of you, "Two Sheds".
HOST
Yes, make yourself scarce, "Two Sheds". This studio isn't big enough for the three of us!
(They throw him out.)
ARTHUR JACKSON
Here, what are you doing? Stop it!
[Crash.]
OTHER HOST
Get your own Arts programme, you fairy!
HOST
Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson... Never mind, Timmy.
OTHER HOST
Oh Mike, you're such a comfort.
Continue...
    
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© 2003 Ireneusz Siwek