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The Mouse Problem
LINKMAN
Michael Palin
MR. A
John Cleese
INTERVIEWER
Terry Jones
VOICE OVER
John Cleese
KARGOL
Graham Chapman
VIKING
Eric Idle
WINDOW CLEANER
Eric Idle
STOCKBROKER
John Cleese
FIRST MAN
Terry Jones
SECOND MAN
Graham Chapman
ACCOUNTANT
Graham Chapman
VICAR
John Cleese
PORTER
Terry Jones
ANIMATION:
(We see a cowboy just having been shotˇ This leads into cartoon film, which includes a carnivorous pram and music from Rodin's statue 'The Kiss '. Then a protest march appears carrying banners. Close in on banners which read: End Discrimination: Mice Is Nice; Ho Ho Ho Traps Must Go; Hands Off Mice: Repeal Anti-Mouse Laws Now; Kidderminster Young Methodists Resent Oppression: A Fair Deal For Mice Men.)
CAPTION: THE WORLD AROUND US'
(Photo of newspaper headlines: Pop Stars In Mouse Scandal; Peer Faces Rodent Charges. A man in mouse skin running into a police station.
Photo of headline: Mouse Clubs On Increase.
Cut to: photos of neon signs of clubs: Eek Eek Club; The Little White Rodent Room; Caerphilly A Go-Go.
Cut to studio: ordinary grey-suited Linkman.)
LINKMAN
Yes. The Mouse Problemˇ This week 'The World Around Us' looks at the growing social phenomenon of Mice and Men. What makes a man want to be a mouse.
(Interviewer, Harold Voice, sitting facing a confessor. The confessor is badly lit and is turned away from camera.)
MR. A
(very slowly and painfully)
Well it's not a question of wantiing to be a mouse... it just sort of happens to you. All of a sudden you realize... that's what you want to be.
INTERVIEWER
And when did you first notice these... shall we say... tendencies?
MR. A
Well... I was about seventeen and some mates and me went to a party, and, er... we had quite a lot to drink... and then some of the fellows there ... started handing ... cheese around ... and well just out of curiosity 1 tried a bit ... and well that was that.
INTERVIEWER
And what else did these fellows do?
MR. A
Well some of them started dressing up as mice a bit ... and then when they'd got the costumes on they started ... squeaking.
INTERVIEWER
Yes. And was that all?
MR. A
That was all.
INTERVIEWER
And what was your reaction to this?
MR. A
Well I was shocked. But, er... gradually I came to feel that I was more at ease ... with other mice.
(Cut to linkman.)
LINKMAN
A typical case, whom we shall refer to as Mr A, although his real name is this:
VOICE OVER
(and CAPTION)
ARTHUR JACKSON
32A MILTON AVENUE,
HOUNSLOW, MIDDLESEX.
LINKMAN
What is it that attracts someone like Mr A to this way of life? I have with me a consultant psychiatrist.
(The camera pulls back to reveal the psychiatrist who places in front of himself a notice saying 'The Amazing Kargol And Janet '.)
KARGOL
Well, we've just heard a typical case history. I myself have over seven hundred similar histories, all fully documented. Would you care to choose one?
(Janet [Carol Cleveland], dressed in showgirl's outfit, enters and offers Linkman the case histories fanned out like cards, with one more prominent than the others; he picks it out.)
KARGOL
(without looksing)
Mr Arthur Aidridge of Leamington.
LINKMAN
Well, that's amazing, amazing. Thank you, Janet.
(chord; Janet postures and exits)
Kargol, speaking as a psychiatrist as opposed to a conjuror...
KARGOL
(disappointed)
Oh...
LINKMAN
...what makes certain men want to be mice?
KARGOL
Well, we psychiatrists have found that over 8% of the population will always be mice. I mean, after all, there's something of the mouse in all of us. I mean, how many of us can honestly say that at one time or another he hasn't felt sexually attracted to mice.
(Linkman looks puzzled)
I know I have. I mean, most normal adolescents go through a stage of squeaking two or three times a day. Some youngsters on the other hand, are attracted to it by its very illegality. It's like murder - make a thing illegal and it acquires a mystique.
(Linkman looks increasingly embarrassed)
Look at arson - I mean, how many of us can honestly say that at one time or another he hasn't set fire to some great public building. I know I have.
(phone on desk rings; the Linkman picks it up but does not answer it)
The only way to bring the crime figures down is to reduce the number of offences - get it out in the open - I know I have,
LINKMAN
(replacing phone)
'l'he Amazing Kargol And Janet. What a lot of people don't realize is that a mouse, once accepted, can fulfil a very useful role in society. Indeed there are examples throughout history of famous men now known to have been mice.
(Cut to Julius Caesar [Graham Chapman] on beach. He shouts 'Veni Vidi, Vici'. Then he adds a furtive squeak. Napoleon [Terry Jones] pulls slice of cheese out of jacket and bites into it. Cut to Linkman)
LINKMAN
And, of course, Hillaire Belloc. But what is the attitude...
(Cut to man in a Viking helmet.)
VIKING ...of the man in the street towards...
LINKMAN
...this growing social problem?
(Vox pops films.)
WINDOW CLEANER
Clamp down on them.
OFF-SCREEN VOICE
How?
WINDOW CLEANER
I'd strangle them.
STOCKBROKER
Well speaking as a member of the Stock Exchange I would suck their brains out with a straw, sell the widows and orphans and go into South American Zinc.
FIRST MAN
Yeh I'd, er, stuff sparrows down their throats, er, until the beaks stuck out through the, er, stomach walls.
ACCOUNTANT
Oh well I'm a chartered accountant, and consequently too boring to be of interest.
VICAR
I feel that these poor unfortunate people should be free to live the lives of their own choice.
PORTER
I'd split their nostrils open with a boat hook, I think.
SECOND MAN
Well I mean, they can't help it, can they? But, er, there's nothing you can do about it. So er, I'd kill 'em.
(Cut to linkman.)
LINKMAN
Clearly the British public's view is a hostile one.
VOICE OVER
(and CAPTION)
'HOSTILE'
LINKMAN
But perhaps this is because so little is generally known of these mice men. We have some film now taken of one of the notorious weekend mouse parties, where these disgusting little perverts meet.
(Cut to exterior house (night). The blinds are drawn so that only shadows of enormous mice can be seen, holding slices of cheese and squeaking.)
LINKMAN'S VOICE
Mr A tells us what actually goes on at these mouse parties.
(Cut to Mr A.)
Mr A
Well first of all you get shown to your own private hole in the skirting board... then you put the mouse skin on... then you scurry into the main room, and perhaps take a run in the wheel.
LINKMAN
The remainder of this film was taken secretly at one of these mouse parties by a BBC cameraman posing as a vole. As usual we apologize for the poor quality of the film.
(Very, poor quality film, shadowy shapes, the odd mouse glimpsed.)
Mr A'S VOICE
Well, er, then you steal some cheese, Brie or Camembert, or Cheddar or Gouda, if you're on the harder stuff. You might go and see one of the blue cheese films... there's a big clock in the middle of the room, and about 12.5o you climb up it and then ...eventually, it strikes one... and you all run down.
(Cut to a large matron with apron and cawing knife)
LINKMAN'S VOICE
And what's that?
Mr A'S VOICE That's the farmer's wife.
(Cut to the linkman at desk.)
LINKMAN
Perhaps we need to know more of these mice men before we can really judge them. Perhaps not. Anyway, our thirty minutes are up.
(Sound of baa-ing. The linkman looks up in air, looks startled, pulls a gun fiom under the desk and fires in the air. The body of a sheep falls to the floor.)
LINKMAN Goodnight.
CAPTION: "SEX AND VIOLENCE" WAS CONCEIVED, WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY... (Credits)
VOICE OVER
And here is the result of Epilogue: God exists by two falls to a submission.
END OF EPISODE 2
    
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© 2003 Ireneusz Siwek