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The Man with Three Buttocks
ANNOUNCER Eric Idle
INTERVIEWER John Cleese
ARTHUR FRAMPTON Terry Jones
(Studio: Smart looking and confident announcer sitting at desk.)
ANNOUNCER
And now for something completely different. A man with three buttocks.
(Interviewer with Arthur Frampton, in interview studio)
ANNOUNCER
And now for something completely different. A man with three buttocks!
INTERVIEWER
Good evening. I have with me Mr. Arthur Frampton, who has... Mr. Frampton, I understand that you... er... as it were... have er... well let me put it another way... I believe, Mr. Frampton that whereas most people have... er... two... two... you... you.
FRAMPTON
I'm sorry.
INTERVIEWER
Ah yes, yes I see... Um. Are you quite comfortable?
FRAMPTON
Yes fine, thank you.
INTERVIEWER
(takes a quick glance at Frampton's bottom)
Er, Mr. Frampton... vis-a-vis... your... rump.
FRAMPTON
I beg your pardon?
INTERVIEWER
Er, your rump.
FRAMPTON
What?
INTERVIEWER
Your posterior... derriere... sit-upon.
FRAMPTON
What's that?
INTERVIEWER
(whispers)
...Buttocks.
FRAMPTON
Oh, me bum!
INTERVIEWER Sh! Well Mr. Frampton I understand Mr. Frampton, you have a... 50% bonus in the... region of what you said.
FRAMPTON
I got three cheeks.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, yes. Splendid, splendid. Well... we were wondering Mr. Frampton if you... could... see your way clear... to giving us a quick... (pause) a quick visual... (long pause). Mr Frampton, would you take your trousers down.
FRAMPTON
(seeing a camera moving round behind him)
Here? What's that camera doing?
INTERVIEWER
Er, nothing, nothing at all, sir. We were wondering if you could see your way clear... to giving us... a quick... a quick... visual... Mr. Frampton, will you take your trousers down?
FRAMPTON
What?
(slapping away a hand from off-screen)
'Ere, get off. I'm not talking me trousers off on television. Who do you think I am?
INTERVIEWER
Please take them down.
FRAMPTON
No!
INTERVIEWER
No, er ahem...
(firmly)
Now look here Mr. Frampton... It's perfectly easy for somebody just to come along here to the BBC, simply claiming... that they have a bit to spare in the botty department... but the point is Mr. Frampton... our viewers need proof.
FRAMPTON
I've been on Persian Radio ... Get off! Arthur Figgis knows I've got three buttocks.
INTERVIEWER
How?
FRAMPTON
We go cycling together.
(Cut to shot of two men riding tandem. The one behind (Graham Chapman) looks down, looks up and exclaims 'strewth '.)
(Announcer's desk: confident announcer again)
ANNOUNCER
And now for something completely different. A man with three buttocks.
(Interview studio again.)
INTERVIEWER
Good evening, I have with me Mr. Arthur Frampton, who.. Mr. Frampton I understand that you, as it were - well let me put it another way... I believe Mr. Frampton that whereas most people... didn't we do this just now?
FRAMPTON Er ... yes.
INTERVIEWER
Well why didn't you say so?
FRAMPTON
I thought it was the continental version.
(Cut back to Announcer sitting confidently at desk)
ANNOUNCER
And now for something completely the same - a man with three buttocks.
(phone on desk rings - he answers)
Hullo? ... Oh, did we.
(puts phone down and looks at camera)
And now for something completely different. A man with three noses.
OFF-SCREEN VOICE
He's not here yet!
ANNOUNCER
Two noses?
Continue...
    
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© 2003 Ireneusz Siwek