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'It's the Arts'
ANNOUNCER Eric Idle
HOST John Cleese
SIR EDWARD ROSSGraham Chapman
ANNOUNCER
Good evening and welcome to another edition of It's the Arts. And we kick off this evening with Cinema.
HOST
Good evening. One of the most prolific film directors of this age, or indeed of any age, is Sir Edward Ross, back in his native country for the first time for five years to open a season of his works at the National Film Theatre, and we are indeed fortunate to have him with us in this studio tonight.
ROSS
Good evening.
HOST
Edward... you don't mind if I call you Edward?
ROSS
No, not at all.
HOST
Because it does worry some people - I don't know why - but they are a little sensitive so I take the precaution of asking on these occasions.
ROSS
No, that's fine.
HOST
So Edward's all right. Splendid. I'm sorry to have brought it up.
ROSS
No, no, please. Edward it is.
HOST
Well thank you very much for being so helpful. And it's more than my job's worth to, er...
ROSS
Yes, quite.
HOST
Makes it rather difficult to establish a rapport - put the other person at his ease...
ROSS
Quite.
HOST
Silly little point but it does seem to matter. Still, er, least said the better. Ted, when you first started you... I hope you don't mind if I call you Ted, er, I mean as opposed to Edward?
ROSS
No, no, everyone calls me Ted.
HOST
Well of course it's shorter, isn't it.
ROSS
Yes it is.
HOST
And much less formal!
ROSS
Yes, Ted, Edward or anything!
HOST
Thank you. Um, incidentally, do call me Tom. I don't want you bothering with this 'Thomas' nonsense! Ha ha ha ha! Now where were we? Ah yes. Eddie Baby, when you first started in the...
ROSS
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I don't like being called "Eddie Baby".
HOST
What?
ROSS
I don't like being called "Eddie Baby".
HOST
(pause)
Did I call you "Eddie Baby"?
ROSS
Yes, you did! Now if you could get on with the interview...
HOST
I don't think I did call you "Eddie Baby".
ROSS
You did!
HOST
Did I call him "Eddie Baby"?
(Audience murmurs of 'yes' etc.)
HOST
I didn't really call you "Eddie Baby", did I, sweetie?
ROSS
Don't call me "sweetie"!
HOST
Can I call you "sugar plum"?
ROSS
No.
HOST
"Pussycat"?
ROSS
No!
HOST
"Angel drawers"?
ROSS
No you may not! Get on with it!
HOST
Can I call you "Frank"?
ROSS
(suspiciously)
Why "Frank"?
HOST
It's a nice name. Richard Nixon's got a hedgehog called Frank.
ROSS
What IS going on?
HOST
Now Frank -- Fran -- Frannie -- little Frannie-pooh...
ROSS
No. I'm leaving. I'm off. I'm going. I've never...
(exits)
HOST
(loudly)
Tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward.
ROSS
(nearly offstage)
What?
HOST
Tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward, if you'd be so very kind.
ROSS
None of this "Pussycat" nonsense?
HOST
Promise.
(Pats seat next to him.)
Please, Sir Edward.
ROSS
My latest film?
HOST
Yes, Sir Edward.
ROSS
Well the idea, funnily enough, is based on an idea I had when I first joined the industry in 1919. Of course, in those days I was only the tea boy and...
HOST
Oh shut up!
Continue...
    
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© 2003 Ireneusz Siwek