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Italian Lesson
TEACHER Terry Jones
GIUSEPPE Michael Palin
MARIOLINI John Cleese
FRANCESCO Eric Idle
HELMUT Graham Chapman
(Cut to a night school Teacher looking down out of classroom window. He crosses to a long wall blackboard with line of pigs drawn on near end. He crosses one off, walks along blackboard to other end which has written on it 'evening classes 7-8 p.m. '. He writes 'Italian' below this and turns to camera.)
TEACHER
Ah - good evening everyone, and welcome to the second of our Italian language classes, in which we'll be helping you brush up your Italian. Last week we started at the beginning, and we learnt the Italian for a 'spoon'. Now, I wonder how many of you can remember what it was?
(Shout of 'Si, Si, Si,' from the class whom we see are all Italians.)
Not all at once ... sit down Mario. Giuseppe!
GIUSEPPE
II cucchiaio.
TEACHER
Well done Giuseppe, or, as the Italians would say: 'Molto bene, Giuseppe'.
GIUSEPPE
Grazie signor ... grazie di tutta la sua gentilezza.
TEACHER
Well, now, this week we're going to learn some useful phrases to help us open a conversation with an Italian. Now first of all try telling him where you come from. For example, I would say: 'Sono Inglese di Gerrard's Cross', I am an Englishman from Gerrard's Cross. Shall we all try that together?
ALL
Sono Inglese di Gerrard's Cross.
TEACHER
Not too bad, now let's try it with somebody else. Er... Mr... ?
MARIOLINI
Mariolini.
TEACHER
Ah, Mr Mariolini, and where are you from?
MARIOLINI
Napoli, signor.
TEACHER
Ah ... you're an Italian.
MARIOLINI
Si, si signor!
TEACHER
Well in that case you would say: 'Sono Italiano di Napoli'.
MARIOLINI
Ah, capisco, mi!le grazie signor...
FRANCESCO
Per favore, signor!
TEACHER
Yes?
FRANCESCO
Non conosgeve parliamente, signor devo me parlo sono Irallano di Napoil quando il habitare de Milano.
TEACHER
I'm sorry ... I don't understand!
GIUSEPPE
(pointing to Francesco) My friend say 'Why must he say...'
(Hand goes up at back of room and a Lederhosen Teutonic figure stands up.)
HELMUT
Bitte mein Herr. Was ist das Won für Mittelschmerz?
TEACHER
Ah! Helmut - you want the German classes.
HELMUT
Oh ja! Danke schön.
(he starts to leave)
Ah das deutsche Klassenzimmer... Ach!
(he leaves)
GIUSEPPE
My friend he say, 'Why must I say I am Italian from Napoli when he lives in Milan?'
TEACHER
Ah, I... well, tell your friend ... if he lives in Milan he must say 'Sono Italiano di Milano...'
FRANCESCO
(agitatedly, leaping to his feet)
Eeeeeee! Milano e tanto meglio di Napoli. Milano e la citta la piu bella di tutti ... nel mondo...
GIUSEPPE
He say 'Milan is better than Napoil'.
TEACHER
Oh, he shouldn't be saying that, we haven't done comparatives yet.
(In the background everyone has stared talking in agitated Italian. At this point a genuine mandoline-playing Italian secreted amongt the cast stnkes up: 'Quando Caliente Del Sol...' or similar. The class is out of control by this time. The teacher helplessly tries to control them but eventually gives up and retreats to his desk and sits down. There is a loud pig squeal and he leaps up.)
Continue...
    
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© 2003 Ireneusz Siwek