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'It's Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart'
Famous Deaths
MOZART John Cleese
VOICE OVER Graham Chapman
EDDIE Edic Idle
FOSTER Graham Chapman
(Opening Scene: Mozart sitting at piano tinkling with the keys. He finishes tinkling.)
MOZART
Hello again, and welcome to the show. Tonight we continue to look at some famous deaths. Tonight we start with the wonderful death of Genghis Khan, conqueror of India. Take it away, Genghis.
(Cut to Genghis Khan's tent. Genghis strides about purposefully. Indian-style background music. Suddenly the music cuts out and Genghis Khan with a squawk throws himself in the air and lands on his back. This happens very suddenly. Judges hold up cards with points on, in the manner of ice skating judges.)
VOICE OVER
9.1, 9.3, 9.7, that's 28.1 for Genghis Khan.
(Mozart still at piano.)
MOZART
Bad luck Genghis. Nice to have you on the show. And now here are the scores.
(Scoreboard with Eddie Waring figure stnding by it. The scoreboard looks a little like this:)
St. Stephen - 29.9
Richard III - 29.3
Jean D'Arc - 29.1
Marat - 29.0
A. Lincoln (U.S. of A.) - 28.2
G. Khan - 28.1
King Edward VII - 3.1
EDDIE
Well there you can see the scores now. St Stephen in the lead there with his stoning, then comes King Richard the Third at Bosworth Field, a grand death that, then the very lovely Jean d'Arc, then Marat in his bath - best of friends with Charlone in the showers afterwards - then A. Lincoln of the U.S. of A, a grand little chap that, and number six Genghis Khan, and the back marker King Edward the Seventh. Back to you, Wolfgang.
(Mozart still at piano.)
MOZART
Thank you, Eddie. And now time for this week's request death. (taking card off piano) For Mr. and Mrs. Violet Stebbings of 23 Wolverston Road, Hull, the death of Mr. Bruce Foster of Guildford.
(Cut to a lounge setting with Mr. Foster sitting in chair.)
BRUCE FOSTER
Strewth!
(He dies.)
(Mozart still there. He looks at watch.)
MOZART
Oh blimey, how time flies. Sadly we are reaching the end of yet another programme and so it is finale time. We are proud to bebringing to you one of the evergreen bucket kickers. Yes, the wonderful death of the famous English Admiral Nelson.
(Cut to a modern office block, as high as possible. After a pause a body flies out of the top window looking as much like Nelson as possible. As it plummets there is a strangled scream.)
NELSON
Kiss me Hardy!
(The body hits the ground. There is the loud noise of a pig squealing.)
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© 2003 Ireneusz Siwek